Wild Mess Anxiety

I found this as a wordpad document in my files. I don’t specifically remember writing it, but every word of it is true to me on a soul level. It was last edited 4 months after we moved back into our home after a house fire so I may have written it. I’d like to share it here. …and then I need to get up and go clean something. Happy 2022!


In years past, I have spent the days leading up to the arrival of guests, cleaning and organizing things around the house. No matter how early I started, the minutes before their arrival left me in a frenzy to ‘do something else.’ Once my home was “clean enough,” I felt comfortable with the feet of friends moving across my freshly vacuumed floor and eyes scouring all of the edges for dust or cobwebs and random pet hair.  They would come and go and I would be left feeling abundant. My heart had been filled with many things that I was grateful for. I got to spend time with the ones I love and share in their joy and I also had a clean house. I started to think about what that means on a deeper level.  If every day, I walk into my home with an overwhelming amount of “need to” leading me around by the hand, how can I appreciate my home? How can I be grateful? What I feel when I would come home to a mountain of mess was “How will I ever get this under control?” Quite honestly, my response was – I’ll handle it. …one day. I subscribed to email lists that gave me inspiration of putting everything in its place. I thought, I will go to the store and get some canisters and some bins so I can organize this mess. Eventually, I made it to the store and got those canisters and bins and you know what happened then? I had 3 dozen canisters and 40 bins and a home that now had even more stuff in it. I thought that if everything in my home had a place to live, then it would be nice and tidy and welcoming and everything would magically fall into place. 

What was actually occurring was I was attempting to store my anxieties (the clutter) in clear jars and neatly stacked piles. I wasn’t actually getting rid of it. I was trying to give it space and live with it. My experience with anxiety is that I don’t want to put it into manageable piles or pretty jars – I want it gone. Things stacked on things and my most cherished belongings being shielded by random clothes or water bottles was preventing me from smiling at the things that I do have that I absolutely love and that bring me joy.  The clutter was the source of my anxiety. If I somehow managed to get rid of it, it would be like witnessing magic before my very eyes.

What I have learned since frantically cleaning my house for days or weeks before guests arrived is that I was clearing space for joy. Since starting my Spiritual Energetic Journey, I have learned that everything is energy and energy requires space to move. In Feng Shui, this energy is called Chi. While I have not mastered the art of Feng Shui with arranging each piece of furniture to its most perfect direction, I have come to understand that energy can become stagnant and even bad and if it doesn’t have the space to flow. Think about energy like water flowing through a hose. If you bend the hose, water begins to back up and pressure builds. It is begging to continue its energetic journey but it has been blocked by the kink in the hose. When we realize that we can help the flow of Chi in our life by simply starting with allowing it space in our homes, space is opened up for more abundance and we are able to receive all of the benefits of having a natural flow of energy in our space. Frustrations decrease and anxiety becomes more manageable because you have created the space for renewal. 

While I did find purpose for those jars and bins eventually, they were not what solved the problem. What solved the problem was clearing the space so that I might use them the way they were intended in a place that would be accessible, useful and aesthetically pleasing. I no longer dread walking through the door at home because of being overwhelmed with so much “need to do” emotions. In fact, I find that being at home is where I most often want to be. It brings me comfort to know that I don’t have to plan for guests a week or more in advance. I have finally gotten rid of that anxiety.  

All of this is not to say that things are not out of place in my home. Things do get let go on occasion and there are a few piles of things here and there but I know now that if I don’t take care of it, I am welcoming that anxiety back in with wide open arms. Few things make me happier than being comfortable and that overwhelming nag of a cluttered house can zap my comfort away with a quickness. I am going to go clean my desk drawers out now. I made the mistake of believing that if I can’t see it, it’s not doing any harm. I can’t always see energy – but I do know that it exists and it’s working hard for me so it is my duty to give it as much attention as it gives me by clearing the way. 

Have you ever found yourself exhausted from cleaning but sitting down in the room that you just conquered and feeling an absolute sense of relief?